Stop Giving Harm a Microphone

I am a trans woman, and I’ve been in the Ruby and Rails communities since 2013. I write this post with a heavy heart and full of sadness. I love Ruby and Rails for that matter, but it comes at great cost to my (and others) wellbeing sometimes.

Ruby was so welcoming and optimized for developer happiness it truly felt like a place where I could be myself.

A Note about Gender and Sex.

Transgender by definition is when your gender does not align with your sexual organs. At birth doctors look at a baby, see their sexual organs and make a best guess from it and say “It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” It’s a very binary categorization and excludes those with biological complexities like being intersex or more chromosomes.

Gender is more complicated, and gender identity and expression can vary from what the doctor declares at a persons birth. It’s very much a social construct what is a woman and what is a man. 

I did not choose to be transgender, I simply am and have always been transgender. What I chose was to stop living a lie of pretending to be a man and authentically be myself.

Transitioning looks different for every trans person, some will socially transition and some will medically transition to varying degrees. Social transition usually includes changing your presentation and what name you ask people to call you. Medical transitions can include hormone replacement therapy or surgeries, sometimes called gender affirming care. This can also be things like hair transplants, hair removal and so forth. You can still be transgender and choose not to transition socially or medically and still be valid.

Coming Out

I didn’t come out until 2020, so I had many years masquerading as a cis white man in the Ruby/Rails communities. I enjoyed the years of privilege given to a cis white man and notably noticed when I presented feminine that my path got a lot harder. This is not an uncommon experience for women and non-binary people in the world and tech for that matter.

For my part, I felt comfortable coming out after seeing warm and respectful reactions to others in the community who came out before me, for the first time in a long time I felt like I could truly be myself in the Ruby/Rails community, so I bit the bullet and came out.

Professionally my job at the time handled it wonderfully, within 15 minutes of coming out to my manager they had my details changed in the system for what they were legally able to, and we drafted a company wide email to the team. It was a great sense of belonging to have that experience and I’m grateful for it.

Things haven’t been as easy all the time, but overall I’ve felt like there’s been at least a little corner of the Ruby/Rails community where I’ve been welcomed and safe.

My Experiences Since

By and large, I am proud of my contributions to the community since I felt comfortable to be myself, I hope it’s given someone confidence that they can be successful too if they’re like me. I’ve spoken at RailsConf, RubyConfMini, Rails World and a few meetups. I’ve contributed a few RubyGems and made a few courses teaching people Ruby on Rails.

I genuinely want Ruby and Rails itself to remain successful for a long time, it’s given me a career I’ve loved for almost a decade professionally and I’ve made a lot of cool stuff with it.

But that’s the rosy picture, with the world collapsing around me and many trans people, I turned to social media and communities to get my connection and sense of belonging.

In 2021/2022 when the Basecamp stuff happened where a third of the company left and they banned politics at work as a result is where my eyes were opened finally to the harm that certain people who are community leaders can have on the community. 

I’ve tried to separate the art from the creator, but lately it’s been impossible to continue to do so for me. Frankly it’s harmful to see my identity categorized as “ideological nonsense” and “political theatre” in social media posts and news articles. 

It’s hurtful to see people given  roles in the community where they are promoted socially and economically when they post harmful attacks and opinions on their social media (which is linked in official channels as shoutouts). By and large, if you’re linked via official social media accounts or channels like newsletters you become the face of that community to an extent in that capacity.

I get it, you should be free to have your opinions too, and I’m not claiming you need to not post that blog post or tweet. But I do feel that if you are in that position you need to carry yourself to a higher standard than what meets the bare minimum.

It’s tricky too because Code of Conducts in Ruby / Rails and various communities tend to cover official channels only, and not what happens on social media as a result.

But what happens when those official social media channels link the places where the problematic statements are posted? Am I as a trans person, who is affected by these hurtful comments supposed to take that as an endorsement of their behavior and opinions? 

Words are actually violence

A certain Danish man once claimed that “words are not violence”, to which I say you’re wrong. Telling someone to kill themselves is violent and harmful behavior. Telling someone they don’t belong is exclusionary. Telling people they are “mentally ill transgenders" is harmful. Words do hurt real people.

I’ve actually gotten messages of all of those, from people in the Ruby/Rails community. Most were smart to use burner accounts, but it does happen and is harmful. 

On a personal note, I’ve many times over considered following those words sent to me, thinking I might be better off dead or removed from the community. What does little ole me have to offer? Nothing of value would be lost surely. I’m doing better now at working through those feelings from messages, but it’s not been easy and constantly something I have to work through. Therapy helps thankfully.

But still, it’s caused me to want to withdraw myself and disengage in the communities I found purpose and belonging in.

This is a direct consequence of giving microphones and amplifying the behavior of people who post their “opposing views” online and engage in bad faith arguments.

Where do we go from here?

I have no idea how America and the greater world heals from the divisiveness that’s emerged as prevalent over the last many years. For the Ruby/Rails communities, I’d love if people would engage in real conversations trying to learn about other walks of life perspectives. But to do that is to require people to set aside their arguments and keyboards. 

I’m happy to provide my story to people who want to come from a place of trying to understand, though also recognize that many who aren’t transgender will have a difficult time understanding fully. It’s truly a mind-bender to some that trans people don’t align with their sex assigned at birth.

I truly wonder for those who post transphobic content to their social media, if they’ve actually talked at length to a trans person and heard their stories. If they haven’t they might just learn we’re humans just like you, and we want to live and have the same rights as everyone else without discrimination.

If you’re a community leader or ally

Please be diligent and mindful of those who you give microphones, they are a direct representation of your values as a community, even if you don’t claim them directly.  Minorities are watching and hoping for any kind of support given for them. Elevate the voices of those who come from different paths of life. They will make your community better and more diverse.

Be mindful of who you invite, pay, promote and celebrate from your community.

Reflect on the impact of your choices, you help determine if Ruby and/or Rails is a welcoming space for minorities.

I say this because I care

I truly do care for the Ruby/Rails communities and want things to get better. I stay because I want to make things better. But we need accountability for the words and violence people in the community cause onto one another.

Don’t give into the paradox of tolerance, you can still be tolerate of views but not cause further harm by protecting from hate speech.

That’s all for now 👋